CJ's Incredible Story
When I looked around the room it was full of Angels...
What Happened to Me...
During a certain time in my life, I began experiencing with vivid detail all the previous negative moments in my life. It was like reliving all my traumatic experiences one by one. Each memory was endowed with an intensity that I cannot describe fully. I became despondent and literally stuck in the past. There was so much good happening for me in my life, yet I couldn’t seem to be consoled by it. Nothing gave me any happiness or hope.
Soon the depression was far reaching and it consumed every waking moment. No matter what I did, I felt worse instead of better. My days were filled with nothing but the pain of the past. The pain I felt inside was intense. It was like each event was a still frame as my mind reviewed them one by one. I tried my best to sort through it all. It was exhausting.
What happened next was the most tangible spiritual experience I’ve ever known. It felt like a discernable electric charge shot out in the air all around me. What was conveyed to me in milliseconds was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was tingly from head to toe. I was enveloped in one enormous flash of light.
Eventually I had very little energy for the basic things in life. I spent days in bed with no desire or motivation to even rise for my basic needs. There was little anyone in my family could do to help me.
I look back and feel so sorry for my husband who was helpless in the face of what I was going through. He tried desperately to cheer me up. He brought me flowers, thoughtful cards, and talked to me for hours on end. I’m sure in his own way he felt as bad as I did.
When my mind fell apart, I became not only depressed but very angry. I couldn’t understand why when things were actually going in a positive direction, I was literally falling apart. It seemed like the ultimate irony. Here I had someone that loved me for me yet I was miserable and couldn’t seem to enjoy it. I even thought once or twice that God must be punishing me for some unknown crime.
I felt sorry for myself in between my bouts of anger at my situation. Several months wore on as I went through fight after endless fight against myself. Looking back it was like being haunted by a world of desperate shadows. My shadow side was in full force every day. The shadow cast across me was thick and ominous. It was the only thing I could see. I was sick from the inside out. Sick and tired of feeling the way I did day to day.
Then one day I was going through my usual routine of bed and small periods of time sitting in one of the easy chairs in our bedroom. I remember sitting there mentally sorting through the previous months of living in a dark oblivion. I felt bruised and blue from head to toe. I lacked the will to continue with the present situation as it was. I was weary. I thought that my situation was a never ending one. I was alone in the room but starting speaking out loud to no one in particular.
“I’m so tired of hurting. I just can’t do this anymore.” “Why is this happening to me?”
The room was silent. No answer came.
“I feel so alone. I feel like nothing matters. Why do I feel this way?”
The room was still silent. No answer came.
“Someone take this pain from me. I’m tired of hurting.”
Then I heard a soft clear voice. A singular idea came across from the air around me.
“You’re not hurting.”
“What do you mean, not hurting!” I said angrily to the voice I heard.
“You’re not hurting.”
I sat in silence for several moments. Then I heard the voice again so clearly. It was like another person was sitting next to me. At the time, hearing the voice come from nowhere didn’t alarm me.
“You’re not hurting. You are healing.”
I considered what I had heard very carefully. Healing had never entered my consciousness before. I tried healing on for size. I thought about what it meant to be healing instead of hurting. What if the voice were right?
I spoke again: “If I’m healing then I can’t do it alone.” At that very moment, I raised my hands toward the ceiling inviting anyone who might help me. I opened myself up for the first time in along time. I had no idea that one single gesture would produce the incredible events that would follow.
What happened next was the most tangible spiritual experience I’ve ever known. Anything that had happened in my childhood paled by comparison. It felt like a discernable electric charge shot out in the air all around me. What was conveyed to me in milliseconds was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was tingly from head to toe. It was the consummate spiritual experience in one enormous flash of light.
I felt the room fill up all around me. I felt an intense love, pure and unconditional. It was an experience of non-duality as well. I was experiencing perfect oneness. The hair on my arms stood straight up. I was quickly surrounded by a bright light. The tiny room became crowded with angelic beings. There were thirteen of them total. Each of them were comprised of different colored light. They formed a circle around me. I almost could not believe what I was seeing.
As I watched the display unfolding in my room, I realized that I had never been alone through everything I had been experiencing. These beautiful, loving beings had always been there with me. They were trying to help me. The emotional place I had been in had prevented me from perceiving or feeling their presence in my life.
Everything became instantly clear. I could easily see the distinction between using the word healing instead of hurting. I fully knew what it had felt like to be in a state of hurting so I tried to imagine what healing would be like. While looking at everything as an experience of healing, my perception shifted effortlessly from one of utter pain to one of hopeful reflection.
A calm filled my entire body. I relaxed for the first time in months. Healing was doable. I could see healing as a process and that I was taking part in it. Instead of endless suffering I could see that there would be an end to whatever I was experiencing emotionally.
After that fateful day, the Seraphim continued to speak to me and told me that I was destined to write a book called Angel Incarnate that would offer hope and the return of faith to so many. 15 Years later I finally did it. Angel Incarnate: One Birth was an incredible journey into the divine inside of myself.